An Open Haiku to Toad-Ally Snax, Makers of Hanky Panky Chocolate Covered Caramel Corn

Are you trying to

murder me? I would eat your

product ‘til I died.

The Time I Was On "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

  • Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Tonight, we have Greg Smith, who has played his way to the final million dollar question! Greg, how're you holding up?
  • Greg: It's sure great to be here, Meredith!
  • Regis: (sighing) Well, you know the rules, you know the lifelines, are you ready to play?
  • Greg: Ready as I'll ever be!
  • Regis: Let's play!
  • (Lights dim, ominous music plays)
  • Regis: For one million dollars: Without looking at your debit card, what is the three-digit security code number?
  • Greg: Oh Jesus fuck.
  • Regis: (taken aback) Well, ah, you've made online purchases with your debit card before, yes?
  • Greg: Many times, Meredith.
  • Regis: And each time they ask you for this three-digit number, is that correct?
  • Greg: That's correct.
  • Regis: So it should be safe to say that you would have this simple, three-digit number memor--
  • Greg: Lifeline! I wanna use a lifeline!
  • Regis: As you recall, Greg, you used all your lifelines on the $16,000 question, "What is your license plate number?"
  • Greg: Ah jeez. Okay, I can do this. It's, ahhhhhhhHHHHHAGHAHGHAHGHAHG--
  • (Greg pulls out his wallet. His debit card flies out, along with a Blockbuster Membership card and several Lover's Lane gift cards. Greg spontaneously explodes.)
  • Regis: Oh, too bad! As everyone knows, if you break a rule here on Millionaire, you spontaneously explode. But Greg's ashes walk away with $13!
  • (Regis awkwardly sticks a $13 check in the pile of ashes, next to a Lover's Lane card)
  • Regis: Stay tuned for Stapler Wars, good night everybody!
  • (Music out, Greg's ashes swept up. On Stapler Wars, Tiffany accuses Big Turtle of selling her a bootleg "Swigline" stapler. It's a watershed episode.)

Tumblr Weed

You know how in the old west when nothing was happening it was signified by a tumbleweed rolling by?

Yep. Here’s another one.

My name is Greg Smith and I like to write jokes and scripts and direct sketches and shows and movies and perform standup and improv make Old West metaphors whenever possible.